The One Resource You Already Possess to Combat Low Academic Self-Esteem

This post was authored by Kate Hardiman, Educational and Developmental Psychologist, BA (Psych)(Hons), MPsych (Ed & Dev). The content used AI-assistance for editing, readability, and automation of external links.

Many parents worry about their child developing low academic self esteem. Self-esteem in an academic context isn't about getting perfect grades. It's about a child believing they can do their best. It's knowing that a bad grade doesn't define who they are as a person and recognising their unique strengths and qualities. Systems and developmental perspectives suggest growth is a natural process and that the ‘self’ inherently possesses qualities such as calmness, curiosity, clarity, compassion, courage, confidence, creativity, and connectedness (Schwartz, R. C., & Sweezy, M. (2020). Internal Family Systems Therapy (2nd ed.). Guilford Press., drawing on the core concepts of Internal Family Systems).  

In their book "Hold Onto Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers" by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté (You can find more information here), the authors explore how we develop ourselves within relationships and how to maintain a secure connection while staying true to ourselves. These seemingly opposite goals – attachment and individuation – are both essential for a healthy individual and community. But how do these big ideas relate to academics?

The parent-child relationship, or any central attachment a child has, acts as a buffer against the challenges of the world. Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson, in their work, talk about children needing to feel safe, seen, and soothed by a key adult. This aligns strongly with the principles outlined in "The Power of Showing Up: How Being Present Can Make Your Child Feel Secure, Loved, and Connected" by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson (You can find more information here). I believe these core elements of presence and connection – the "three S's" – are crucial protection against the emotional impact of academic setbacks. This secure relationship acts as a resilience guard. It won't prevent the frustration, disappointment, or pain of a child who didn't get the grade they wanted. However, it can help prevent them from getting stuck in that negative mood or developing unhelpful beliefs about their abilities. They'll be more likely to keep moving forward.  

And remember, we're not just talking about actual academic performance. A child whose grades are lower than their friends might feel this way, but so could a student who receives excellent grades but expects unattainable perfection from themselves.

So, take time to nurture the buffer that is your relationship with your child. Play their video games with them. Listen to their favorite music. Spend time kicking a soccer ball. Focus on quality over quantity. As Neufeld would say, allow your child to rest in your relationship. And as Dan Siegel would emphasize, focus on how they feel ‘seen’ by you. This will look different for every relationship, personality, and neurotype. Strengthen their inner sense of safety in relationships. This way, when a disappointing grade arrives, they can still hold onto that internal security to navigate the setback and protect themselves from developing low academic self esteem. You can find more resources on parent-child relationships and supporting children's wellbeing on the Emerging Minds website (https://emergingminds.com.au/).